


Love and Punching in Sausalito Bay

by lastard



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), H2O: Just Add Water, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Absolute Trash, Based on a Tumblr Post, But quality trash, Crack, Face Punching, Falling In Love, First Meetings, First Mission, Philinda - Freeform, Proof, Songs written into the story, mermaid, ōkeahuman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-06-30 12:35:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19853305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lastard/pseuds/lastard
Summary: Melinda May watches as the man in front of her blinks at Rice’s greeting, closing his mouth that has fallen open. He looks soft, she thinks. Not bad looking, but that won’t help her when she needs someone to watch her back in the field. He is also staring right at her. She sharpens her gaze on him in hopes of intimidating him, but he only grins.She had a strong feeling she was going to punch this guy in the face, sooner or later.Phil Coulson and Melinda May's first mission together after the academy.





	Love and Punching in Sausalito Bay

**Author's Note:**

> So this is fun. Fic was written by multiple people at the same time. All mistakes are intentional. We recommend looking up the songs mentioned for the highest quality enjoyment.  
> Really cool links in the end notes to check out.

Triskelion 1989:

Hey Ya by Outkast plays as Philip J. Coulson enters SHIELD headquarters. It feels like a perfect movie moment to Coulson, he’s the bad-ass secret agent man in his mind as he pulls off his sunglasses to study the lobby. This isn’t his first time in the building, but it is his first time walking through those doors as Agent Coulson, having just graduated from the academy a week earlier. He was here for his first assignment, and he couldn’t be more excited.  
Alison, the security guard, watched as this man swaggered into the building walking to the rhythm of some imaginary music. She rolls her eyes, every graduating class had one, the agent who came in on their first day with puppy dog excitement. She gave this guy a month tops.  
“Agent Phil Coulson.” He told her, flashing a smile along with his badge. He had spent a good portion of the past week practicing his badge flipping in the bathroom and was rather pleased with the outcome. Alison, on the other hand, was clearly not impressed as she waved him through the scanner.  
“Good luck.” She said, looking at her computer screen. Coulson grinned wider as he walked away, not hearing the guard add under her breath, “you’re gonna need it.”

\-----

[AGENT M. RICE]  
Coulson stared at the sign on the office door. This was it: the commanding officer he had been assigned to, the man who was going to give him his first mission. Taking a deep breath he pushed open the door and stepped inside. He saw an older man, Agent Rice, sitting at his desk across from dark haired woman. The sound as the door swung shut behind him Coulson drew the attention of the two seated agents. Coulson freezes as he watches the dark haired woman spin to face him in slow motion. Bad Girls by M.I.A. fills his ears as her face is revealed. She fixes her eyes on him and sparks rain down from the ceiling.

“Agent Coulson.”  
Melinda May watches as the man in front of her blinks at Rice’s greeting, closing his mouth that has fallen open. He looks soft, she thinks. Not bad looking, but that won’t help her when she needs someone to watch her back in the field. He is also staring right at her. She sharpens her gaze on him in hopes of intimidating him, but he only grins.  
“Phil Coulson” he says, extending a hand towards her.  
“Agent May,” is her reply as she gives his hand a firm shake before turning back to her C.O.  
"Alright, me'ansum?" greets Rice in a thick Hagrid-like accent. Coulson unsuccessfully tries to distinguish what he said.  
"Alright," he says awkwardly, holding his hand out for a handshake.  
"Have a sit," Rice says, motioning towards the chairs across from his desk. Rice settles back into his seat and opens a file. "Alrighty, so this here's a retrieval op. Yer gonna be findin’ n’ grabbin' a 0-8-4. We got Intel that there's the stolen President's rubies in Sausalito, in the bay area. Shouldn't be too hard a job, jus’ in n’ out." Coulson nods. He's relieved they're starting him off easy. "Only thing te remember is that we're not dealing with any rookie wannabees here. This is the authentic Golden Circle. Ey're responsible for the Police Chief Biggy murder of '67. Youse best be careful."

Coulson looks over at May for some kind of reassurance, or at least a response. He can't tell if she's avoiding his gaze or just doesn't notice. As as a history major, Coulson has read about the Golden Circle. They’ve been operating in the Golden Gate bridge area for the past 30 years and were responsible for a number of murders as well as the illegal trade of endangered fish.   
"Ere's yer train tickets. Train'll be leavin' at 6 in the morn tomorrow. Now one thing I'll have te tell ya, since they control the ‘ole area we won’ be able te grab you in the cities. Yer gonna have te figure yer own way out as ye go." Coulson panics internally. The Golden Circle and no exit plan?   
"Heebeleebelee!" he yells and flops on the ground. At least that's what happens in his head. In real life he just turns to May with a grimace-like grin on his face. "Looks like we're on our own folks!"  
May rolls her eyes. She had a strong feeling she was going to punch this guy in the face, sooner or later.

\------

“Really?” May asks staring at the cherry-red 1962 Chevrolet Corvette in front of them. “This is the car the agency sent us for our undercover mission?”  
“Actually, it’s my car.” Coulson grins, holding up the car keys. “I had them transport it here for our mission. I figured a shiny red convertible would allow us to blend in as the flashy rich tourists we’re pretending to be”  
“Does that mean you’re a flashy rich tourist in real life?” May ignores the fact that it was actually a smart idea that came out of the man’s face.  
“No.” Coulson looks away from here. “This was my father’s favorite car.” He tells her staring dramatically into the distance. May notices there is an endless stream of tears pouring down his face.  
“Um… What happened to your dad?” May asked him, uncomfortable with this disgusting display of emotion.  
“Dead!” Coulson bursts. “We fixed this car together, everyday, only the car, and when we finished, death!” His story is broken up by sobs.  
“Soo… do you want me to drive there buddy?”  
“No!” Coulson jumps up from his crouched sobbing position. “Nobody touches Lola except me!” He runs to the car and gets into the driver's seat before May can move. 

\------

“Okay, so here's the plan!” Coulson said to May as the waiter walked away from their table. They were sitting in a fine Italian dining restaurant, Coulson in a suit and tie, and May in a red gown. “We act like we're here on a date night. We'll wait until the woman with the blue dress and a daisy in her hair walks past our table and to the bathroom. You will follow her and get the information on the location of the rubies secretly, then come back here and we will leave.”  
“I know, I made the plan with you.” May had been the one to communicate through secret channels to find someone with information on the 084. Coulson really made it obvious how nervous he was with his unnecessary rambling.  
“Lawl you right fam.” Coulson said with a laugh, placing his hand on hers to maintain their cover.   
May suddenly squeezed his hand hard, he looked up and saw a woman matching the description of their informant heading towards them.  
“Don't stare at her!” May hissed. “If I was really your girlfriend I'd kick your ass.”  
“I feel like you don't need to be my girlfriend to kick my ass.” May rolled her eyes.  
“Okay, she's at the bathroom.” May whispered, before standing up and speaking a little louder, “I'll be right back dear.”  
Coulson watched in awe as May walked away from him. He was transfixed by her effortless power walk, which was emphasized by the sleek red gown. She disappeared around to corner and he realized he was leaning way out from his chair, having shifted to watch May as long as possible. He suddenly toppled over to the side, crashing to the ground.  
As he hit the floor he heard a loud gunshot followed by the sound of glass shattering. Looking up slightly he realized someone had shot his water glass, right where his body had been a second before! Before he could do anything else, the restaurant erupted into chaos.

May spun towards the bathroom door at the sound of a gun shot followed by screaming. Coulson! She heard the blue-dress-woman behind her shift quickly into an attack position. But not quickly enough, May had the woman in a headlock in a second.  
“Is this you?” May demanded.  
“No!” Gasped the woman. “It's them!”  
“Prove it! Where's the information?” The woman reached her arm down and pulled a flash drive out of her pocket. Got to love dresses with pockets. May snatched the drive and released the woman before rushing out of the bathroom.  
In the restaurant she was greeted with the sight of Coulson taking on three armed thugs amidst a sea of overturned tables and broken glasses. There were two attackers already on the ground, whether they were dead or unconscious May didn't know. She was impressed. She allowed herself a second to admire the way Coulson showed surprising strength as he pulled a thug towards him as a human shield, disarming him quickly.  
The music in the restaurant switched suddenly and May snapped back into action. Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper came on as May watched the man closest to her gain an open shot to Coulson's side. She charged up on the man, kicking the gun out of his hand.  
“Coulson!” He looked up for a moment to see where his partner was.  
“Was this a set up?” He called, shooting around a table at the third thug.  
“No I got the information!” She let him know, finishing off her guy. “You got this?”  
“Yeah! Meet back at the room.” May took of in a sprint towards the door as Coulson laid down cover for her. She didn't stop running until she came across a motorcycle parked down the street. She grinned, as she hot wired the bike and sped off back to the hotel.

\------

Coulson can feel rough ropes scraping at the skin around his ankles and wrists every time he moves. There goes my dream of being a professional wrist model on the side, he thinks.  
He’s not blindfolded, which is a relief but still, waking up tied to a chair on his first mission was not the way he wanted things to go. Last thing he remembers was jumping on some guy’s back that was trying to grab May as she ran out of the restaurant. He must have gotten knocked out by the thug, hopefully May had escaped with the information.   
He looks around the room, trying to better assess the situation he was in. He was in the middle of a cement room with no windows and only a small security camera in the corner of the room. Directly in front of him was a heavy looking door, fortified with a deadbolt lock. He looked down to his chair legs to see if he could move, but those were held down tight with screws.  
“Hello?” He called, “I’m awake now if someone wants to come torture me!” He didn’t really want to be tortured but, it sure beat sitting in this room forever with nothing to do or see.   
Just as he was about to call out again, the door opened and four rough looking dudes stepped in. They each wore a black tuxedo with the sleeves ripped off to reveal their enormous muscles. After they had positioned themselves around the room the door opened again, and in came a woman wearing a black morphsuit.  
“Agent Coulson,” she said holding up his badge as if she was reading it. “How nice of you to drop by.”  
“If you could be careful with that,” Coulson told her “it’s only my first time using it and I’d hate to have to go through the paperwork again so soon.”  
“First time? Well that explains your lack of ability and overall incomp-” but the rest of her insult was stopped by a loud thud as the heavy door swung open at full force. Bullets whizzed through the air as the song Bang Bang blared in the background. The guards didn’t have time to react before the total badass that is Melinda May stepped through the frame and shot them all down. "Bang bang into the room" is right.  
“Wow.” Was all Coulson could manage as May looked over her shoulder before dragging the closest body over to hold open the door. She made her way to him and he just grinned as she pulled out a knife to cut the ropes.  
“Did you seriously ask them to come in and torture you?” She asks him, focusing on cutting the ropes and not his skin.  
“Well, I thought maybe if I could get them in here, I could learn some information from them.”  
“Not everything is like a movie,” she chastised, but there is a smirk on her face and humor in her eyes. She was teasing him. “Real world villains don’t deliver monologues to give the hero time to learn their evil plans before escaping.”  
“Where are we?” He asked as he stood up, taking the gun she offered him.  
“We’re by the bay, some secret base.” She tells him, before Coulson can respond a shrill alarm starts going off outside the cell.  
“I think they noticed your covert rescue mission,” Coulson shouts as they both take off running. “The 084, do you have it?”  
“Yes! It was in the lab on the floor above” May calls over her shoulder, patting her backpack.  
“Good, let’s blow this popsicle stand!” Coulson followed her up 5 flights of stairs and out a door that May had left propped open. “Don’t you think that was a little too easy?” He asked, strapping on the Spongebob helmet she tossed him.  
“Don’t overthink it,” she mounted the motorcycle “I took out a bunch of people on my way in. Just get on so we can go!” She took off the second his butt touched the seat and quickly reached 90 miles per hour. She zipped in and out of traffic heading towards the Golden Gate Bridge.  
Half way across the bridge however they skidded to a halt, all the cars had stopped suddenly and their drivers were jumping out and rolling on the ground screaming. They hopped off the bike to see what was happening on foot.  
“A squid!” A woman yelled grabbing May’s shoulders. “That man is a squid!! I don’t trust like that!”  
As they passed through the blockade of cars they saw what was causing the commotion. Across the bridge was a row of black SUVs with the sleeveless muscle guys standing in between them. Out in front stood a man in a suit whose head was actually just a giant squid. Each of the squid’s tentacles held a gun pointed at the two agents.  
“That man is a squid.” May repeated, caught slightly off guard.  
“May you need to jump!” Coulson told her, pushing her towards the edge. “You have to get the President’s rubies out of here so they can’t use them to destroy the universe! I’ll distract them!” May took one last look at the squid man before nodding.  
“Good luck!” She told him before she ran off the edge.  
Sploosh.

“Rikitikitavi boi!” Coulson yells, throwing a nearby doll at the squid man. And so the fight begins.

\-----

It had been 5 hours since May had leapt off the bridge and into the bay. She had spend most of that time floating on her back, trying to preserve energy as she waited for Coulson or the SHIELD back up. She has sang Holding Out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler about 80 times just to entertain herself.  
She wasn’t completely sure, but she thought she had seen Coulson and the squid man jump off the bridge after she had swam a safe distance away. She hadn’t seen either one resurface however, so she hoped it wasn’t actually Coulson and just one of the Magic Mike bodyguards who had been pushed off in the fight.  
She had gotten mostly out of sight of the bridge before she had started floating, but she was wary of getting too close to the edge because she wasn’t sure where the bad guys could be hiding out. She had the 084 but she knew with the amount of energy she had spent swimming away from the bridge she would not have the energy to fight another battle to defend it, and with the time in the water she knew her gun was no use to her anymore either. How those men had gotten ahead of them and known to block off the bridge, she didn’t know, but it just meant that she didn’t trust anywhere nearby to be safe.  
May flipped over again and went back to swimming, the gloaming was upon her meaning it would be dark soon. If she hasn’t been picked up by then, she’d have the best chance of escape under the cover of night. Suddenly she feels something brush against her leg.  
“Globglobgolab!” Her shout is garbled by water rushing into her mouth as she violently kicks out her legs towards the mass that touched her.  
“Ow!” Shouts a familiar voice, and as she finishes spinning around she sees that it’s none other than Phil Coulson floating next to her in the water. She looks him over, noticing he isn’t wearing a shirt.  
“Where-” she stops her question as her eyes travel further and she sees a shimmering orange beneath them that looks like a huge fish. “AH WHAT IS THAT??” She swims back and away from the thing.  
“May I need to tell you something,” he moves closer with his hands up “but I need you to calm down.” The orange shimmer moves with him, almost like… it’s attached.  
She punches him in the face.  
It doesn’t have the power it normally would since the water doesn’t provide her with solid ground to push off of but, it knocks him back still.  
“Major ow.” He says, rubbing his jaw. “That is the exact opposite of you calming down.”  
“You are a fish”  
“Correct, well half correct. Obviously part of me is still human.” He says, gesturing to his naked torso.  
“How do you go to the bathroom?” May asks, staring at the start of his tail, just below his belly button  
“I- What?” Coulson is taken aback. “That is your first question for me?”  
“Fine. What is the story here?”  
“I can explain, but first we have to get you out of here. Hold on to my tail.”  
“I’m not holding on to your tail while you swim. Give me your hand.” Coulson grabs her hand with his webbed fingers and starts swimming back towards shore.  
“Were you planning on telling me you have a tail?” May asks as they wave at a confused boater.  
“Believe it or not, it’s not really a great ice breaker.”  
“As your partner, I need to know these things so plan for things going wrong. It’s a liability.”  
“We’re partners already? Careful May, you almost make it sound like you like me.”  
“Shut up.”

Once they reach shore, Coulson lets go and drags himself up on the beach. He pulls his SHIELD issued pocket dryer from where he stashed it in the bushes and starts drying his tail. May wraps her arms around herself, trying not to shiver. A loud H2O: Just Add Water sound effect plays as Coulson’s tail disappears and is replaced with his suit.  
“Here, take this,” Coulson drapes his suit coat over her shoulders. He is not smart enough to just use his dryer on her as well.  
“Now, do you want to explain what’s going on?” she asks, pulling the coat tighter around her.  
“Remember how I told you I used to go on family vacations to Tahiti every summer?” Phil stands up before pulling May up beside him.  
“Yes, it’s a-” May starts, rolling her eyes.  
“It’s a magical place” May sighs.   
“Well…” He starts, leading May away from the beach.

-Flashback to Tahiti 1979-

15 year old Phil Coulson is strolling down beach with a boombox over his shoulder. It is playing All Star by Smash Mouth. He comes across a washed up row boat by some rocks.  
“Hey look at this cool looking trail.” He says it out loud, although there is no one around to hear. He does not have any friends. “I have nothing to do, maybe I can follow it to see what I find.” Again, there is no response as he starts up the trail to the volcano because he is a lonely boy (by the Black Keys).

-Back to May and Coulson on the beach in California-

“Hold on, you went into a volcano?”  
“Well, kind of. I fell in. There was a hole through a tunnel behind a waterfall. I was running from an evil cat who kept chasing me all over the island. I named it Lola.”  
“Like your car?”  
“Yee. Lola the cat was the OG. I fell in the pool right when the full moon rose and water started bubbling and glowing like a hot tub. The next day when I went swimming, I grew a tail like the one you just saw.”

May had seen the tail. She had also seen the totally shredded torso of her partner. Her imagination ran wild with the image of 8-pack Phil Coulson first discovering he had a tail. Water Me by Lizzo seems an appropriate song to go along with her fantasy. She watched as slightly younger Phil swims through an ocean of glitter, his tail kicking up behind him.   
I am free yeah yeah  
He looks back at her with his sexy eyes and she can’t breathe, probably because she inhaled some glitter.  
Come water me oh oh

Coulson on the other hand is imagining the scene as it actually happened. The little scrawny boy practicing tricks underwater with his new found tail. He sings No Ordinary Girl to himself as he swims through the dark salt water.

“So you’re a mermaid?” Melinda asks snapping them both back the the present.  
“Not exactly. I started doing research. Actually it’s one of the reasons I was recruited, so I didn’t find out too much and tell everyone. I’m an ōkeahuman. The moon pool I fell into fused ōkano DNA with my own. Now I grow a tail in the water.”  
“The tail is why SHIELD recruited you?”  
“Not exactly,” Phil says rubbing the back of his neck “when I was researching all these alien things I sent up a few red flags back at SHIELD HQ so they came to check me out and decided to recruit me. Fury is the only one who knows, he made sure I was able to make it through training without being found out.” He stopped and looked intently at May for a moment. “I’d really appreciate it if we could keep this between us.”  
“Don’t worry” May laughs “I’m in no rush to share my glittery new fish partner!” Phil grins back at her, relief in his eyes.  
“You know what? Here.” He hands her a set of car keys, she looks up and realizes they had walked all the way to Lola without her noticing.  
“Let me guess,” she accepts the keys with a smirk “another secret you expect me to keep?”  
“You know me so well.” Phil tells her, fiddling with the radio until You’ll Always Find Your Way Back Home by Hannah Montana comes on. The two agents share a look and Melinda cranks that shit.

They drive off into the night, singing at the top of their lungs, at peace with the universe.

END

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off a popular head canon.   
> More information can be found on the Tumblr account: https://h2oispartofthemcu.tumblr.com/  
> Additionally a wonderful fan animation can be found on YouTube: https://youtu.be/EcRitgG4ntM  
> It's all good fun, you should check it out.


End file.
